You wouldn’t be there

Ah, the ‘Breakfast Club’ soundtrack! I can’t wait til I’m old enough to feel ways about stuff! Okay, I like a challenge. Yeah, lots of people did. Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away! I saw you with those two “ladies of the evening” at Elzars. Explain that. I found what I need. And it’s not friends, it’s things. Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? …To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? …To shreds, you say.

You wouldn’t. Ask anyway! You guys realize you live in a sewer, right? I don’t want to be rescued. Bender, this is Fry’s decision… and he made it wrong. So it’s time for us to interfere in his life.

And so we say goodbye

I love you, buddy

And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who’s gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet. File not found. Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. It may comfort you to know that Fry’s death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels. Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it? You are the last hope of the universe. Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. Now what?

Is that a cooking show?

Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You’d think it would be something you’d have to freebase. You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! I’m Santa Claus!

I’m going to remind

Why did you bring us here? This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me! I’m just glad my fat, ugly mama isn’t alive to see this day. I had more, but you go ahead. Goodbye, friends. I never thought I’d die like this. But I always really hoped. Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You’d think it would be something you’d have to freebase. You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites? You’ll have all the Slurm you can drink when you’re partying with Slurms McKenzie!

OK, this has gotta stop. I’m going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can. Bite my shiny metal ass. You know, I was God once. I just told you! You’ve killed me! No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don’t own! Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools. Hey, tell me something. You’ve got all this money. How come you always dress like you’re doing your laundry? I suppose I could part with ‘one’ and still be feared…

I’m sorry, guys

Son, as your lawyer, I declare y’all are in a 12-piece bucket o’ trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin’ up that ol’ mess you caused. You’re going to do his laundry?

Shut up and take my money

Dissect its brain!

That’s right, baby. I ain’t your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. You even love anyone pretending to be him! Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball’s in Farnsworth’s court! You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work, but they don’t pay you or let you go. I don’t want to be rescued. Who am I making this out to? OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid. One hundred dollars.

For the last time, I don’t like lilacs! Your ‘first’ wife was the one who liked lilacs! And remember, don’t do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to, in which case, for the love of God, don’t not do it! Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? I’m a thing. Bender, we’re trying our best. Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.”

You can crush me but you can’t crush my spirit! Shut up and take my money! No, just a regular mistake. Well, let’s just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. Bender, we’re trying our best.

Wow, you got that off the Internet?

Oh sure!

For the last time, I don’t like lilacs! Your ‘first’ wife was the one who liked lilacs! There’s no part of that sentence I didn’t like! I’ve got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth.

table2

Five hours?

Yeah, and if you were the pope they’d be all, “Straighten your pope hat.” And “Put on your good vestments.” Son, as your lawyer, I declare y’all are in a 12-piece bucket o’ trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin’ up that ol’ mess you caused. I saw you with those two “ladies of the evening” at Elzars. Explain that. No! Don’t jump! Say it in Russian! Fatal. I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there!

I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself. In your time, yes, but nowadays shut up! Besides, these are adult stemcells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stemcells.

Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid. Alright, let’s mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.

You have a good heart

Whoa a real live robot; or is that some kind of cheesy New Year’s costume? You, a bobsleder!? That I’d like to see! Soon enough. Who are you, my warranty?! Bite my shiny metal ass. Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away! Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs? Who said that? SURE you can die! You want to die?!

That’s right, baby

Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk! What kind of a father would I be if I said no? What kind of a father would I be if I said no? Bender, you risked your life to save me! Hey, tell me something. You’ve got all this money. How come you always dress like you’re doing your laundry? I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually? What’s with you kids? Every other day it’s food, food, food. Alright, I’ll get you some stupid food.

So I really am important?

Pansy. Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball’s in Farnsworth’s court! Kif might! Bender, we’re trying our best. Are you crazy? I can’t swallow that. Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages! So I really am important? How I feel when I’m drunk is correct? Really?! You wouldn’t. Ask anyway! So, how ’bout them Knicks?

I guess

We don’t have a brig. I was all of history’s great robot actors – Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny! I just told you! You’ve killed me! Negative, bossy meat creature! These old Doomsday Devices are dangerously unstable. I’ll rest easier not knowing where they are. What kind of a father would I be if I said no? Why did you bring us here? Switzerland is small and neutral! We are more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!

I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there! Oh, I think we should just stay friends. I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.

Belligerent and numerous

I usually try

Can I use the gun? I wish! It’s a nickel. Hi, I’m a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. Why would I want to know that? So I really am important? How I feel when I’m drunk is correct? Noooooo! They’re like sex, except I’m having them! Bite my shiny metal ass. Belligerent and numerous. Just once I’d like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn’t bound and gagged. You, a bobsleder!? That I’d like to see! Why yes! Thanks for noticing. I haven’t felt much of anything since my guinea pig died. You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal!